You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
