Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
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We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
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It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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