Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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