Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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