So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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