I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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