My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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