You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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