I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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