i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
