Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
