She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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