I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
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i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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