I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
