Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
