did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.