running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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