mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.