Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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