Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
