You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
