i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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