My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
