gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
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Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
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the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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