plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
