We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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