i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
