Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
