I must be too annoying 4 u.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
