White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I FOUND THE LEGS
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
