Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
