Your face is a jimmy john
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Life is so much better after having sex.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
