I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
