Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
