I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
