That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i've created a new STD.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
3 2 1 whiskey
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
