so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
