haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
