i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize