how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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