Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
