I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
