Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
