I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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