I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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