Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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