Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
