Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
