i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
