finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
