Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
