I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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