he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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