I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
