Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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