If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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