My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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