I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
