So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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