We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
