He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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