Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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