So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
