why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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