Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
